Friday, September 18, 2009
HELLO'S & GOOD-BYE'S
For those of you who don't know (if you're, by chance, new here), I have two children. My daughter, C, turned 23 a few weeks ago. My son, B, is 19.
I have been estranged from my daughter for nearly five years--only seeing her a handful of times. This is, to my lament, her choice and it's a choice that...well, I guess it's been slowly killing me, eating away at me day by day all this time.
More on her in a bit...
B just started junior college--he graduated high school in June.
We have had a few rough weeks after the break up between him and his girlfriend recently, afterward in which I took to 'Twitter' and 'Blogspot' to express my anger and hurt over his treatment by others.
Of course, anyone LOOKING intentionally to start trouble could simply type in my name and find all this stuff.
They did. One of his female friends (the girlfriend of one of B's friends and his ex-girlfriends best friend) intentionally went looking for dirt--and boy, did she find it. This is where I then took to 'blogspot' once more ranting about the First Amendment and MY RIGHT to say as I please and if you don't like it--don't read it.
I wasn't feeling particularly kind, mind you. I was indeed quite blunt and honest in my tweets.
Well, she went right to B with my expressions, thoughts and feelings--a.k.a. 'bluntness and honesty'.
It f***ed up our entire Labor Day weekend (plans were changed and canceled with family members) with B and I having a vicious fight. Even Ed got involved--which he never does.
Ed's very much a hippie at heart--even more so than I am.
It really is about 'peace, love and happiness' in our home and if those who enter can't abide by that--you're shown the front door.
Anyway, Ed told B exactly the same thing I did and that is that if he were him, he would question his so-called 'friends' motives for looking stuff up then running to him with it.
We also told B to think about it this way: Say you have a journal. You don't lock it and it's kept it in an unlocked drawer. Someone goes intentionally looking for it and then doesn't like what they read and furthermore, go to your loved one with the information.
As I always say; just because you could, doesn't mean you should.
B then used my very own words right back on me.
Touche (I can't seem to make the little accent thingy--ha!).
So, I once more took to Twitter and said these are MY feelings and thoughts, not B's and if anyone has a problem with them, talk to me, not HIM.
Then I made my tweets private.
Sad I had to do that.
B accused me of 'burning his bridges' and I accused him--and his 'friends'--of being disloyal and throwing me under the bus.
Well, B and I didn't hardly speak for a week. I've been VERY angry that he still gives these people a ride to school--and in MY CAR no less.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to have B use my car--he needs it for school and I don't need it much. He has a Jeep that he bought that ended up being a lien sale and he's having trouble with registration--so, until that gets straightened out we share a car.
But I became outraged when I heard him speak their name because those people are still sitting in MY f***ing car every day.
I told B he threw me under the bus for gas money!
Ed told B to try and see it from my perspective and understand why I'm so upset: I sit in my house *like a veal every day (*enter Sandra Bullock movie quote) while he uses my car to drive he and his friends to school, the same friends who tied me to the stake and lit my ass up.
Ed also told him that he doesn't feel any differently than I do, I just expressed it while he stayed silent.
So, things, still have been tense.
Now, were B and/or the snoopy 'readers' in question were to try and talk to me and make this right--perhaps things would be different. But they haven't...and I'm too old to budge and I simply won't. Not on this.
Then the other night, something odd happened. I accidentally broke something of Ed's. It was on the edge of the patio table and as I went to straighten up the vinyl table cloth, down it went. Shattered into pieces.
Ed just covered his eyes--as if trying not to look at the damage--and went 'Oh, no!'
I felt terrible and was stunned into silence. To make matters worse, it was a gift that one of B's friends had gotten Ed for Fathers day this year.
Then B came out and saw what I did--accident or not.
He looked at me with such pure disgust, as if to say; "How could you? Shame on you!"
Then something like; 'I can't believe you broke Dad's thing!' came out of his mouth and I then suddenly found myself putting on my shoes and leaving my house.
I was in my pajamas (it was around 9:00 at night) but didn't care.
I walked down the street, around the corner and just sat on the curb and cried.
All the events of the past few weeks--all of it--finally got to me.
Enter pity party in which I was the only attendee:
Wasn't I already going through enough?
This whole bankruptcy process hasn't been soul seizing and pride swallowing as it is?
I already have one child who hates me, do I really need two?
I should have raised pit bulls.
Anyway, I had my cell with me and Ed tried calling me several times but I needed to be alone.
I wasn't gone long; 15-20 minutes or so. I just needed to clear my head.
When I came back Ed met me out front and was in good humor telling me not to worry about it.
Then B came out front and I lit into him.
I apologized to him for having a flawed mother but, this is simply me and I then told him that his 'reign of terror' has officially come to an end. He will not make me feel bad any longer.
Things have been a little better. Still not great but progress has been made.
Back to C:
I missed my daughters birthday. Oh, I knew when it was and I even posted about it on here and sent her an E-mail. Unfortunately, way things are financially, I couldn't buy her a single darned thing.
Then, I got put on full blast by an anonymous poster: 'Shame on you! Horrible mother!'
Seems to be a recurring theme.
Then the other day I gave a few dollars for a good cause. Literally just A FEW DOLLARS. That's all I could do. If I could have done more, I would have.
Just like if I could have bought my daughter a gift, I would have.
With that said, I seem to have lost something recently.
Something I had really come to look forward to. Something I now miss.
I'm talking about a few readers of mine who have gone AWOL from my posts. No longer replying to anything--and haven't for a while whereas they were once regular visitors here.
Yes, I've noticed. I know who the few of you are and I would like to address you collectively:
I don't know what the reasons were: perhaps you got tired of my complaining about my state of finances.
Well, some people complain about their work. Some people complain about their marriage. Their whole blogs are dedicated to complaining. As is mine. You'll get no arguments from me on that.
It's nice if a persons blog can be about something positive; work, daily walks, traveling and/or hobbies such as gardening, cooking, sewing, photography.
Mine is about griping. And pardon me, but I'm really good at it. I'm not good at much but griping I can do and do it well.
Perhaps you object to my buying two homeless people two hot dogs the other day when I'm always complaining about how tight money is.
Perhaps you object to my giving a few dollars to a fellow blogger who's in much worse need than I am (yes, even I know that there are many others worse off) and then my asking other fellow bloggers to give (IF they can) or pray for them.
Plenty of people have helped me out throughout my life--I need to give back. My heart and conscience won't allow me ignore the elephant standing in the room regardless of my wallets contents.
Perhaps you're objecting that I don't come around your blogs as often as I should.
If that's the case, I am trying to rectify that and even wrote a post not too long ago about my being neglectful of my fellow bloggers lately--there's just so many it's hard to keep up daily without spending ALL DAY on here, which I can't do. However, I have made great headway in making the rounds lately if for no other reason than to give a sincere hi and a warm thank you for support.
OR....perhaps your objection is that I gave a few dollars to strangers instead of buying my daughter anything for her birthday.
If that's it--let me re-cap: last year I made her an elaborate gift basket/care package full of practical things that I thought a part-time working single gal could use: personal products, hair care, laundry supplies, socks, etc. with an 11x14 greeting card enclosed with a gift card to her favorite store inside plus a necklace from that same store.
I knew my Mom would be seeing her (I had attempted to see her myself, to no avail) so my Mom delivered it and said she had so much fun looking through all the goodies and reminded her to thank her mother.
A month goes by nothing.
Two months later I finally receive an E-mail (no doubt at the urging of my Mom) that said: "Thanks for the stuff. Much of it was useful."
This year I simply didn't have it. I knew a few dollars couldn't buy a darned thing that would mean anything to her. I sent her an E-mail and told her that I didn't have right now to get her what I wanted but that I hadn't forgotten about her birthday.
Well, hubby is leaving on a business trip Monday--that will save us some gas money that he would normally use to go back and forth to work. I plan on taking about $20.00 or $25.00 and buy my daughter a gift card to 'Target', which she really likes. I know it's not much but we need to save, save, save as much as we can.
If I can do more, I certainly will.
Selfish as it sounds, we have an upcoming trip to 'Disneyland' in October.
We don't ever go out and do anything--NOTHING! NOTHING!!!!
To remind you--we have FREE tickets (that I got from the MS Society for fund raising) and we are taking my Mom for her birthday.
She really wanted to go this year as she hasn't been for decades, literally, and she gets in free for her birthday. So, Ed and I need to save for gas, food and parking.
I'm so ready for a little fun. But...I got blasted by 'anonymous' for that, too, as I posted about our upcoming trip there: "I don't care if your tickets are free--you still have to pay for parking, etc. Shame on you once again for not buying your daughter anything!"
It just seems no matter what I do, no matter the effort and intentions, I always seem to do the wrong thing.
However, only I know my heart. Me and my higher power.
I cannot please EVERYBODY.
So, if you haven't stopped by because you have simply been busy and overwhelmed, like I have been, with life, love and the pursuit of...well, you know....then my sincerest apologies and I totally get it. Trust me.
However, if for some reason you have made a conscious decision to stop following me, either collectively or on your own--please kindly send me the picture of you walking on water.
Beyond that, I'm sorry I disappointed you--but you're last in a very long line, my friend/s. I nonetheless wish you well.
Last but not least--I am saying hello and good-bye to two men today. Well, one today and one on Sunday, actually.
First, my good-bye: today my friend, Pat, whom I have known since Junior High school, is leaving for Kosovo for 12 to 15 months (he's been in Indiana training for a month). He is in the ARMY Reserves.
He is divorced but remains very close to his two daughters, ages 13 and 9. This has been very hard on them all....
Please wish him God speed.
Then, on Sunday I say hello--my 'oldest son' comes home.
J is 23 and we have known him for five years. We met him when we had a spare room that one of his friends rented from us. Well, the friend didn't last long but, thankfully, J did.
His picture is on my sidebar with him and his wife on their wedding day.
He and his wife couldn't belong anymore to Ed and I if we had given birth to them! Well, if I had given birth, that is--Ed would just have to watch and scratch himself while I did all the work.
J made a life decision last year to stop fiddle-farting around and do something constructive with his life instead of going from job to job.
So, he enrolled in 'Wyotech' to study diesel mechanics.
This required him to move to Laramie, Wyoming for a year--leaving behind his wife, his family and us.
He stayed outside of campus with a friend and for a year has studied his heiny off living off of his student loan allowance. He was actually only supposed to go for nine months but extended his program for three more months to take a managers course.
Today he graduates.
Ed and I are just sick that we couldn't go to his graduation but thankfully his wife is there and J's brother and sister-in-law.
Sunday he comes home.
Bittersweet day...but I'm very proud of the reasons I am saying hello and good-bye to two brave men who stepped outside of themselves to make a better place in this world for themselves and for others.
Peace, love and happiness to you all today.