Saturday, August 1, 2009
The Do-Over Trap
I've been done over by the do-over trap.
Trap. Syndrome. Affliction. Toxication.
Too many times over this past year, I have felt so immensely sorry for myself and my family having to endure loss of job (me), loss of home, loss of finances, Bankruptcy proceedings (still in mid-air...) and loss of loving and living life.
To the point where the deep feeling of loss and loneliness in this turmoil is palpable.
I've tried sleeping through it, writing through it, talking through it, screaming through it, crying through it and reaching out through it.
The latter is where Facebook came in. I wanted a do-over and so badly to reconnect with people and life again--to find something I wasn't getting sitting alone in my house day after day dwelling on our losses.
As it turns out, Facebook wasn't the answer for me. I guess people are simply supposed to write blurbs about what they're doing, thinking, feeling.
I wrote paragraphs.
In this world of texting and twittering, no one has the attention span any longer to read through anything more than a line or two.
It seems I am a relic.
People used to read newspaper articles, books...Now everything has to be a quick "LOL" or forget about it.
Having the gift of gab coupled with thin skin--and perhaps even humor and intellect that others don't get--was a self-esteem disaster in the making.
I was a goner before I even began.
Reading about others jobs, vacations and nights out was something else that did me in and f***ed with my heart and head.
While I don't begrudge people the right to reap what they have earned and worked hard for, I simply couldn't go on reading them any longer. I just couldn't.
I have enough self-inflicted pain--even I know when to say "when".
So, I am leaving the social network that is known as Facebook behind and am trying to rebuild my life from the inside out instead of the other way around.
I began a writing project--whether it will ever see the light of a bookstore in a well lit shelf display is beyond me.
This is the end of the old life I am trying to dig myself out from underneath from and the beginning of hopefully something awe inspiring and enlightening.
I don't know where we'll be in a month from now more less in a year--but I hope it will be a with a fresh perspective, our lives in tact and a healed soul.
I hope you will root me on and be there by our side.
There's a whole commerce of hurting people out there--reach out to one of them. If not to help enlighten and change their lives, than to at least enlighten and change your own.
Live your life so you can write one or two more lines that might inspire someone.