Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Blog imitates life

Been a while since I blogged and, well, what's going on is really nothing new.

Still hanging on by a thread to our house (rented--as of now, month to month)--and, truthfully, our lives. Barely buying food (have just enough--no frills or extras) while Ed and are I trying to learn how to be alright with just each other. We're not quixotic in expecting full blown happiness--we're just looking for okay at this point.

Our son is presently in Maryland on summer vacation which is probably a good thing while his Dad and I attempt to sort through the debris of what used to be our lives and figure out our next financial step. Just trying to get through this legal process right now and not drown in too much self pity.

I miss my son every day--he's our touchstone and without him we just don't work. However, we raised him to be thoughtful, smart, independent and to seek out his own happiness. Ed and I now need to practice what we preach and not hang onto him to achieve those things for ourselves.

This summer has indeed been one of loneliness and revelations.

I joined "Facebook" about three weeks ago as a means of joining a network; to get in touch with old friends and to attempt to heal some old family wounds. I'm trying to re-establish a relationship and a life with people who have made it clear that they already have one in progress.

This has been hurtful.

Sometimes we just let people slip away--intentional or not--and the next thing you know a day turns into a week, a month, years...

I jumped in feet first on "Facebook"; sent out "Hi's", "How are you's?", "Let's keep in touch" and "So sorry we ever lost touch--let's not let that happen again" posts.

I commented on their musings, recipes, pictures and posts about their evenings and weekends. I have reached out with gentle hands and an open heart; we can take this slow or fast kind of thing--I'm just happy to finally be here dipping my toe back into life's waters again. It's been too long.

I've posted fun things about my sons trip back east (which was his first time on a plane and away from home), movie reviews, recipes and wished everyone a "Happy day" more times than I can count.

I've blogged honest, heartfelt emotions in my attempt to reach out to friends and family. I've let people know that although we haven't always been close (not my fault nor theirs per se--just the way it was) that I could really use an extended hand of friendship and that I'm happy to give mine as well. No strings attached. I'm here.

I put my desperation of pure palpable loneliness on the line for all to see. Nothing to lose; let's hold each others hearts and do more than muddle through life. Let's be hokey and follow that ever popular adage of "Live, Love, Laugh".

Yes, I come with baggage of a life hard lived (most people do--perhaps I'm just a little more honest about mine)--but I've also managed to salvage in it's lesson a little bit of grace, humor, wit and humanity.

I am still waiting for their embrace. I'm not yet putting down my outstretched arms even though I have received very little, if any, feedback.

Painful to see pictures on friends and family's pages of memories made the night before or over the weekend. Smiling faces, freshly applied lipstick, empty glasses on the table before them.

It's been a lonely summer--in life and in blog.

However, in blog I still trust.

Life? Well...remains to be seen.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Jo, I know how that feels...to reach out & not have it returned. I deal with that on a daily basis. I'll be your Friend/Sister. New relations can be rewarding! I'm sorry about the way this economy has affected your family. It's so hard to live penny to penny. Especially when you have a child. To not be able to give him the things he wants. How old is he? Hope he will be home SOON!

    I really appreciate that you left such a kind comment on my Blog. I look forward to reading yours and getting to know you. Sending {{{HUGSS}}} from MN.!

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  2. Hi, Jo. Your comment brought tears to my eyes--thank you. :)
    My son is 19--recent high school graduate and is visiting back east with his girlfriend before life REALLY begins. He's had a truly memorable summer--a lot of firsts: first time away from home, first airplane ride, first real vacation, first trip to D.C., Philly, etc. And I honestly couldn't be more happy for him. He's never brought us an ounce of trouble or heartache and is deserving of this time for just himself.
    So happy to have you in my midst--I've enjoyed reading your blogs, even the ones where I'm sure were much harder for you to write than they were for us to read and process; you are a strong lady who refuses bullying and it's polar opposite twin, pity.
    I'm looking forward to getting to know you better and appreciate so much you "reaching out". Blood is not always thicker than water.
    Peace, love and friendship,
    A grateful Jo

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  3. okay... my name is not "Jo" but I'm still gonna comment. :o)

    Jo honey - I love you dearly. We have such history and fun memories. I wish we lived closer so we could make more memories (cost of living in Nashville is SO much cheaper - hint, hint). Things are crazy in my life with travel for work and my mom... so please forgive me if I'm not quick on replies. I often read stuff and think, "Oh, I have so much to say about that!" and then never get back to it. I love blogging... but have neglected mine since May... finally leaving a new post yesterday.

    I'm headed out again in the morning... to Seattle. I'm working on a possible trip to CA in early September to see my mom, I'll let you know if it happens and maybe we can squeeze in a lunch - on me :o)

    I love you friend and am praying that this incredibly challenging time will make you stronger and show you God's faithfulness.

    xoxo - Deb

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  4. Okay, all you people really need to stop making me cry! Really, I can't take this. My body simply needs the salt that my tears are extracting from it. On top of which, tear stained cheeks and clothes do not an attractive woman make I'll have you know. Now, the hair matted to my sweaty forehead is a whole other story....

    Deb--thank you. This meant the world to me.
    I'll take your prayers gratefully and raise you hope, peace and safety in your travels.

    Love and much, much thanks,
    Jo

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