Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Blog imitates life

Been a while since I blogged and, well, what's going on is really nothing new.

Still hanging on by a thread to our house (rented--as of now, month to month)--and, truthfully, our lives. Barely buying food (have just enough--no frills or extras) while Ed and are I trying to learn how to be alright with just each other. We're not quixotic in expecting full blown happiness--we're just looking for okay at this point.

Our son is presently in Maryland on summer vacation which is probably a good thing while his Dad and I attempt to sort through the debris of what used to be our lives and figure out our next financial step. Just trying to get through this legal process right now and not drown in too much self pity.

I miss my son every day--he's our touchstone and without him we just don't work. However, we raised him to be thoughtful, smart, independent and to seek out his own happiness. Ed and I now need to practice what we preach and not hang onto him to achieve those things for ourselves.

This summer has indeed been one of loneliness and revelations.

I joined "Facebook" about three weeks ago as a means of joining a network; to get in touch with old friends and to attempt to heal some old family wounds. I'm trying to re-establish a relationship and a life with people who have made it clear that they already have one in progress.

This has been hurtful.

Sometimes we just let people slip away--intentional or not--and the next thing you know a day turns into a week, a month, years...

I jumped in feet first on "Facebook"; sent out "Hi's", "How are you's?", "Let's keep in touch" and "So sorry we ever lost touch--let's not let that happen again" posts.

I commented on their musings, recipes, pictures and posts about their evenings and weekends. I have reached out with gentle hands and an open heart; we can take this slow or fast kind of thing--I'm just happy to finally be here dipping my toe back into life's waters again. It's been too long.

I've posted fun things about my sons trip back east (which was his first time on a plane and away from home), movie reviews, recipes and wished everyone a "Happy day" more times than I can count.

I've blogged honest, heartfelt emotions in my attempt to reach out to friends and family. I've let people know that although we haven't always been close (not my fault nor theirs per se--just the way it was) that I could really use an extended hand of friendship and that I'm happy to give mine as well. No strings attached. I'm here.

I put my desperation of pure palpable loneliness on the line for all to see. Nothing to lose; let's hold each others hearts and do more than muddle through life. Let's be hokey and follow that ever popular adage of "Live, Love, Laugh".

Yes, I come with baggage of a life hard lived (most people do--perhaps I'm just a little more honest about mine)--but I've also managed to salvage in it's lesson a little bit of grace, humor, wit and humanity.

I am still waiting for their embrace. I'm not yet putting down my outstretched arms even though I have received very little, if any, feedback.

Painful to see pictures on friends and family's pages of memories made the night before or over the weekend. Smiling faces, freshly applied lipstick, empty glasses on the table before them.

It's been a lonely summer--in life and in blog.

However, in blog I still trust.

Life? Well...remains to be seen.