This is only my second post--the first one was an introduction into my messy life and world and, quite frankly, how I feel bankrupt, sad and lonely.
In addition to not only feeling the above, but actually being all of those things, I am also a vegan. That means I not only don't eat meat, but I also don't eat dairy products. Nor do I wear leather (and of course NO fur) or use products of any kind made from animals. For example; I don't use lotions, soaps, etc. that contain milk/dairy products.
Being in such dire financial straits at this time, it's becoming more and more difficult to eat a healthy, balanced vegan diet. I am simply unable to afford what I need to maintain a protein based diet.
I keep using the word "diet" here; veganism is actually more of a lifestyle choice than it is a diet. It's more than just food, it's a practice and a way of life.
However we choose to deem it, it's costly to maintain if one doesn't already have the staples they need. So, I find myself eating like crap--just grabbing and eating whatever's around; potato chips, crackers and jelly--not having money for my "facon" (vegan bacon) faux chicken patties, wheat/whole grain pasta and/or other protein/soy based products which is not helping my frame of mind.
Before losing my job last year, I also had a membership at "Curves". I was not able to renew my membership after my contract expired and I miss it. Women are great motivators for one another, even if it's in the spirit of competitiveness rather than "sisterhood", which I'd like to see more of. Sisterhood that is.
I'm a great one to talk. My friends are mostly male; I grew up with older brothers and live with two men--hubby and son--so men are naturally whom I gravitate to. My "social life" primarily consist of my sons friends who are, for all intents and purposes, my kids (more on them in another blog).
My son just graduated from high school and is back east with his girlfriend for the summer (he paid his own way--with us not being financially able to contribute--ask me how much I feel like shit!!!!).
However, I digress. Alas, there is no sisterhood here. No sisters to form a "hood" with.
I find myself retreating more and more from society, not even really wanting to drive to the store.
So, life wins, it seems. It's kicked my ass all over the place and proudly displays the gaudy--yet mighty--belt of championship. I have fought hard against it--and self pity--for years, always being able to hold my head up no matter what. That is now becoming more difficult. I'm weary. To feel so beaten and battered nearly beyond recognition is new.
Hubby has been a self-defeated man, watching him walk in defeated every night for years has been hard to live with--we're barely surviving life and now it seems we're barely surviving each other.
I keep telling myself, this is merely a low point. Low point. Low point....
Finding another job for me as an older woman ("older" being all of--gasp!--43, I say with facetiousness) with no formal education or training (I stayed home and raised my kids, having gotten married young) and having only odd jobs here and there has been yet another failure and disappointment.
I hear about my husbands biological mother (who has never worked outside of the home--more on her in my blog titled: "Is It Time for Okay Yet?") running off to Europe every year and living in a truly lovely home by herself while we're simply struggling to put food on the table, literally. It's quite disheartening and I like my heart. It's always been an open, good, kind, compassionate, and loving heart. I'm so afraid of losing that. I don't want to be disheartened, bitter and afraid.
I want to be healthy of mind, soul, body and spirit. I want to wake up and be happy with my life and it's choices, from the little things (I don't want to sub-exist on coffee and potato chips) to the larger scheme of things such as not wanting to be afraid of what tomorrow brings (homelessness???).
To be able to wake up and actually be okay with the universe would be an enlightening and refreshing epiphany--and a glorious way to begin each day.
I've always strived for the mere basic and simple things in life; I don't ask for--nor do I expect--the impossible and, as women, we rarely get back what we put out. However, I've always been okay with that (I think most of us are), as long as in the end there is generosity of spirit and humanity to welcome me, meet me halfway and to keep me going.
I don't think anyone should ever have to live with the kind of fear and tightrope walking my family and I are now experiencing and feeling day after day.
Perhaps I simply want too much.
Peace, love and Zen to you all,